By Truman Lewis
ConsumerAffairs.com
December 29, 2009
As one who considers travel a necessary way to get from Point A to Point B, I've never looked forward to climbing aboard airplanes, trains, ships or other means of transport. Overpowered sports cars, of course, are another matter.
The growing popularity of cruises is thus something of a puzzle to me. Lounging on a beach, sure. Fine dining, OK. Gambling, excessive drinking and ogling members of the gender of one's preference, OK. Bouncing along the bounding main with a few thousand strangers, not something we would normally choose to do.
But when my spouse informed me that she was attending a professional conference aboard the Carnival Imagination and that, therefore, so was I, I acquiesced, mostly in the interest of maintaining marital harmony but also in the hope that I could at least get a first-hand look at the cruise line so many consumers have complained about to ConsumerAffairs.com.
Thus, one recent Thursday afternoon, we braved the usual security-enhanced crowd scenes at Washington National Airport, bound for Miami and a four-day, three-night cruise from Miami to Nassau, the Bahamas. The American Airlines flight was unusually pleasant and the Epic Hotel, where we spent Thursday night, was a monument to contemporary architecture and interior design. Beautiful rooms, outstanding service, even better food.
(After we penned our glowing review, the Epic was closed by health officials following three cases of Legionnaire's disease, including one fatality, among its recent guests. It has since reopened.)
The next day we made our way to the new Miami Cruise Terminal, a gargantuan structure that makes the chaos of boarding thousands of passengers a little more bearable. We were herded into the slow-moving, serpentine lines that are the trademark of contemporary culture. Ever so slowly, we were squeezed onto something resembling a sea-going replica of Las Vegas, much as Tokyo commuters are jammed onto their subways each morning and afternoon.
Hot, tired and hungry, we were issued our "Sign and Sail" cards and herded into the ship's main feeding area, the Horizon Grill -- a garishly lighted pen that featured the usual food court islands -- hot food, cold food, in-between food and so forth. Cruise addicts gush about the constant availability of scrumptuous concoctions on board, but in all honesty, we must say most of the Horizon fare appeared to have been stolen from rest stops along the New Jersey Turnpike.
There was a lot of it, though, and many of our shipmates appeared to settle in for the duration, wolfing down burgers, fries, hash browns, scrambled eggs and an occasional bit of lettuce.
Lots of FUN!!!
But the FUN!!! which Carnival proclaims to be its primary mission was just beginning. Ahead of us lay four days of being cajoled -- in person and via loudspeaker -- by crew members who must surely have been trained as Kindergarten teachers. They have perfected the art of talking loudly and slowly, a smile plastered on their face and their pockets bulging with jokes first crafted back in the Henny Youngman era.
Sample: "What do you call a fly with no wings? Hah!?? That's right ... a walk!"
When finally released to graze freely, the 2,500 of us on board were confronted with 12 or so decks of FUN!!! There were bars, casinos, a pool or two, a water slide, additional feed lots, duty-free shops, nail salons, hair-weaving and tattoo studios and cavernous auditoriums and atriums featuring such hilarous attractions as a hairy chest contest, mummy-wrapping courses, towel-folding classes, karaoke and, of course, Bingo.
There were times we thought we'd blundered onto the set of a reality show. In one auditorium, plastered guests hooted as husbands and wives told each other's most closely-guarded secrets with a Bahamaian-accented host filling Jerry Springer's role.
Saturday was set aside for visiting various overrun tourist spots on shore. We opted for a small zoo and nature preserve, home to an engaging population of parrots, jaguars, iguanas, pygmy billy goats and trained flamingos who perform what passes, at least in flamingo circles, for precision marching. A "drill sergeant" issues orders as visiting tourists learn which poses attract flamingos who have breeding on their mind. (Hint: It involves standing on one leg).
Our amiable though mildly sardonic tour guide, Claudius, patiently drove us around Nassau, passing through neighborhoods that in some cities would be said to have seen better days. But the truth is that Nassau has a long history of poverty and has seen very few days that are much better or worse than today.
As we rumbled through a typical neighborhood of small, tin-roofed homes that some might regard as little more than shacks, one of the tourists on our bus asked Claudius what Bahamaians use to heat their homes.
Rolling his eyes, Claudius turned and, with a straight face, said: "We don't heat our houses. If it goes cold, we go to Florida."
"Oh, that's nice," our busmate replied sweetly, relieved that everyday Bahamian life was not as threadbare as it looked.
Returning to the ship involved being squeezed through a funnel containing a large assortment of souvenir shops, an obstacle course cleverly erected by the Bahamaian government to extract the last bit of fiscal liquidity from visiting cruisers.
On second thought
Back on board at last, we found one of the few quiet spots on the aft deck, consumed several adult beverages and watched the sun set over the receding islands, reflecting that life wasn't so bad after all.
Truth be told, travel is what you make it. In our checkered journalistic career, we have had a fairly good time in some pretty horrible places and situations. The Imagination may not be the Queen Mary but it's an inexpensive way to escape the daily grind and most of our shipmates seemed to be enjoying themselves. Our total cost was less than $1,000, including airfare. We spent half that on one night in a hotel that was a little more elegant but apparently a hell of a lot more dangerous.
We found the crew -- the cabin stewards, waitpersons, entertainers and so forth -- to be a lot friendlier than we would be in their place. Consider that these folks work 24/7 for six months or more at a time and one must admit they more than earn their keep.
Having said that, there's no doubt that the Carnival experience isn't for everyone. Those looking for a more elegant, quieter cruise experience should talk with an experienced travel agent. There are cruises to fit nearly any taste and budget. In fairness to Carnival, it provides a lot of cruise for the money, even if it's not to everyone's taste.
